Based on my kneejerk assumptions that are essentially groundless, you lead a pretty good life. By most safe financial estimates, you’re loaded. You’re a Hall of Fame quarterback with four Super Bowl rings. Your job consists of flying around the country one day a week for six months out of the year to talk about a game for four hours a week. And not only that, your partner on the job is universally reviled on the internet and universally loved by all sportswriters – meaning we barely have time to criticize you aside from the odd gay rumor here and there. Basically, you’re the world’s richest invisible man – we’re all pretty sure you suck ass, but we can’t stop gritting our teeth while the douche-in-a-box next to you monotones his way through our greatest sports moments.
Well, fuck that for right now. Joe Buck is stupid (lol, whatevs). Right now, I gotta talk to you. you see, while Buck gets the brunt of the criticism, you contribute at least as much suckdom to each Fox big game broadcast as he does. you make me hate my life during these games just like he does. Case in point: today’s game between the Steelers and the Packers.
The Steelers had just kicked a field goal to take a two-point lead late in the fourth. Out of nowhere, they tried an onside kick that almost worked perfectly—until a Steelers player went too quick and touched the ball before it went ten yards. what initially looked like some ballsy play-calling from a coach trying to stop a five-game skid immediately turned into a Packers possession with less than four minutes remaining. And this is where you struck. Over and over again, as the Packers went to score with more than two minutes remaining, you openly questioned the onside kick call, repeatedly saying that “it doesn’t make any sense.” you would not shut up about this.
Now, the opinion that it was an awful call is not necessarily a bad one. yes, it did give the Packers great field position while only down by two. However, there was a positive side to the call, even with the bounce not going the Steelers way. (We’ll get to that.) of course, you could not have been bothered to stray from the little storyline you built in your head; you gambled on the fact that Mike Tomlin’s call would cost the Steelers the game. That was the way the broadcast would progress—if the Steelers eventually DID win, it would be in spite of Tomlin’s hubris, not because of it.
Let’s take a look at what went down: The Packers got a first down and then a score with a little over two minutes left. Even with their two-point conversion, the Packers only lead by six. a touchdown plus extra point means a win for the Steelers, which absolutely was not out of the question: Ben Rothlisberger was having the game of his life up till that point, masticating the members of the Green Bay secondary like so much Choco Taco flotsam floating past. Not only that, but they had almost a full two minutes to take their cruising offense down the field against a defense that seemed almost helpless to stop them through the air.
Now, allow me for a minute to go all hypothetical on yo’ ass: suppose the Steelers kicked away like you chided them for not doing. say the Packers were given more or less average field position in their own territory (for estimation purposes, on their 20) with that same amount of time. now, could the Steelers’ defense have stopped the Pack attack and force a punt? Possibly, but it really wasn’t a guarantee. Aaron Rodgers was having a comparable game to Rothlisberger; certainly not as amazing statistically, but great nonetheless. Not only that, but had the Packers been able to matriculate the ball downfield for that same touchdown there would have been significantly less time for the Steelers to come back—probably closer to a minute left, if that.
Looking back at it, it sure seems like Tomlin didn’t have total confidence in his defense. you guys nailed that point home. Good job.
However, there was another side to the whole thing, the side where even in the event of a Packers touchdown and two point conversion, the short field given to them would almost guarantee a fair amount of time for the Steelers offense to do what they’ve done all game. but this side didn’t exist to you. It was a stupid call, it was a trick play; whatever angle you viewed the onside kick from, it was wrong.
And the lack of confidence in the defense! now there’s a good solid line you can take on this.
As we all know, defensive football players are mentally built like a cross-bread between a chihuahua and Jenna Maroney from 30 Rock. they are known to vomit when faced with a possible mandate on their stopping ability. who could forget when frazzled former Vikings Jim Marshall ran a fumble back the wrong way after Bud Grant told him he looked “a little fat” before the play? or the time the whole Patriots defense walked off the field in 2004 after Bill Belichick told them Doris Day was “for queers”? how could Mike Tomlin do such a thing to those poor sweeties?! Much better to continually ask that question rhetorically for the rest of the game rather than, ya know, analyze what the fuck you’re seeing. That’s what you’re paid for.
Like most things, I can relate this to pro wrestling: any wrestling fan who pays attention to the WWE knows that the announcers don’t do a damn thing to make the wrestlers seem like anything but actors. Their moves aren’t referred to by their proper names anymore, mostly replaced with generic statements like “[blank] slams [blank] down”. We’ve been told by WWE announcers why this is: they want to make it seem less like a sport, more like a show. they want the announcers to follow a storyline that builds throughout a match. It’s annoying, but we deal with it because, well, it’s fake. Everyone involved knows the outcome.
Football is not pro wrestling. so why, Troy, do you insist that we follow one hard line of logic throughout a game, with nary a mention of the opposite side?
Because YOU SUCK BALLS, THAT’S WHY.
YOU ARE FUCKING TERRIBLE AT YOUR JOB. nothing makes me less excited to watch a football game than to hear your banal editorializing after every possibly controversial play. you assume that we’re not smart enough to decide between “that was a good idea” and “that was a bad idea”, so you do it for us and you DO NOT SHUT UP ABOUT IT. you don’t give even a modicum of thought to the game as it plays out. everything happens because of or in spite of one singular moment that YOU decide upon as the gamebreaker. Look back at that last Steelers drive: there was a holding call on the Steelers’ left tackle that was questionable, but because you already knew what you were talking about you glanced at your monitor, you said it “clearly” was a penalty, and went on your merry way. you are the sports embodiment of the way our media today now feels the need to tell us not only what is important, but why. you are the sports equivalent of rush Limbaugh. Which means, of course, you are a ignorant fuck who shouldn’t be let within five feet of a national audience.
Oh, and you were an overrated QB who wouldn’t have done shit without your All-World running back, receiver and offensive line.
(AND YOU MADE ME ROOT FOR THE STEELERS. AND THEY WON. FUCK YOU.)
The Rookies » Blog Archive » an Open Letter to Troy Aikman
